and I want to kiss you but I can't. Down on the river by the sugar plant.

" A notion of character, not so much discredited as simply forgotten, once held that people only came into themselves partway through their lives. They woke up, were they lucky enough to have consciousness, in the act of doing something they already knew how to do: feeding themselves with currants.
Walking the dog.
Knotting up a broken bootlace.
Singing antiphonally in the choir.
Suddenly: This is I, I am the girl singing this alto line off-key, I am the boy loping after the dog, and I can see myself doing it as, presumably, the dog cannot see itself. How peculiar! I lift on my toes at the end of the dock, to dive into the lake because I am hot, and while isolated like a specimen in the glassy slide of summer, the notions of hot and lake and I converge into a consciousness of consciousness -- in an instant, in between launch and landing, even before I cannonball into the lake, shattering both my reflection and my old notion of myself.

This was what was once believed. Now it seems hardly to matter when and how we become ourselves -- or even what we become. Theory chases theory about how we are composed. the only constant: the abjuration of personal responsibility.

We are the next thing the Time Dragon is dreaming, and nothing to be done about it.

We are the fanciful sketch of wry Lurline, we are droll and ornamental, and no more culpable than a sprig of lavender or a sprig of lightning, and nothing to be done about it.

We are an experiment in situation ethics set by the Unnamed God, which in keeping its identity a secret also cloaks the scope of the experiment and our chances of success or failure at it -- and nothing to be done about it.

We are loping sequences of chemical conversions, acting ourselves converted. We are twists of genes, acting ourselves twisted; we are wicks of burning neuroses, acting ourselves wicked. And nothing to be done about it. And nothing to be done about it. "

--Gregory Maguire



Astounding to me, is all the things we do in a day without thinking about them. Without examining the consequences -- be they distant or quickly incoming; we act and react and don't ever really imagine that we are tiny little fingertips tapping on the water of the world, creating ripples and waves.

I enjoying taking a warm shower. Except for this morning, after I had read National Geographic's November (?) article on Global Warming. Although not directly related to biofuel, which really was what the artile was about, my extra-lenghthy shower is still a gesture of apathy, considering the minute consequences which each choice we make commits to the general picture.

I turn the hot water on, and alter it little by little to get the temperature just right. I'm both picky and fickle; I'm one of those constant temperature adjusters who fiddles with an eight of a centimeter trying to get in the tiny fraction of my acceptable temperature zone. Honestly, I get ridiculously cranky when my elbow accidentally hits the spigot and I plunge myself into cold water, or when I'm fourth in the house to get into the bathroom and have to wait for an hour for there to be any hot water at all.

I am not always like this. When I was in Salvador, there weren't any warm showers ever -- there wasn't any hot water, actually. Not for showering, and not for dish-washing either. The former was the least of my concerns at the time.

But imagine how cranky the world will be if (or, when) our world climate raises by just barely 2 degrees:

National Geographic estimates that even with drastic cuts in our planet's CO2 emissions, the average global surface temp is due to rise almost 2 degrees. Doesn't seem like much? Below are the most important issues which have already begun as global temperatures increase, with effects increasing in intensity as temperatures rise even 2 degrees.

WATER:
Now:
- Increasing precipitation in moist tropics and high-latitude regions. Rain falls in heavier downpours, with the risk of more frequent flooding in both wet and dry areas.
- Increasing drought and declining water supply in mid-latitudes and semiarid low latitudes.
- Hundreds of millions of people face increasing risk of water shortages. Causings include decreased river runoff and loss of glaciers and snowpack.
FOOD:
At +1 degree increase:
- Cereal crops will increase in mid to high altitudes, and begin to decrease in low latitudes. (Low latitudes include Sub-Saharan Africa, Austrailia, the lower Pacific Islands and most of South America.
At +3.5 degree increase:
- Cereal crops decrease across mid to high- latitude regions, and greatly decrease in low latitude regions.
HEALTH:
Now:
- Increasing illness and death from heat waves, storms, floods, droughts, and fires. Rises in malnutrition.
- Changing distribution of insects that carry diseases such as malaria and dengue.
At +3 degree increase:
- Worldwide healthcare systems substantially strained.
COASTS:
Now:
- Storms and rising sea level cause growing erosion of coasts.
At +2 degree increase:
- Coastal flooding affects millions more people each year. Small islands and low-lying regions in Asia and Africa are especially vulnerable.
At +3 degree increase:
- Worldwide, about 30% of coastal wetlands are lost.
ECOSYSTEMS:
Now:
- Range of many animals and plants pushed into higher latitudes or higher elevations.
- Coral bleaching increases in the tropics.
At +.5 degree increase:
- Oceans acidify.
At +1.5 degree increase:
- Up to 30% of species face risk of extinction.
- Most corals bleached.
At +2 degree increase:
- Ecosystems become carbon sources as permafrost thaws and vegetation burns or decays.
At +2.5 degree increase:
- Widespread death of coral reefs.
At +4 degree increase:
Up to 40% of species face risk of extinction.

Each bullet point is a tipping point, which means once we hit that point, the damage has already begun and there's almost no going back. Most of these have already begun, particularly catastrophic in poorer nations without the means to adapt and recover from the influx of environmental disasters. Even here.


It bothers me when I think about how many times I make uninformed (or perhaps even apathetic) choices and say nothing to be done about it. No, more than "bothers".
What stronger words I wish I had to explain how these things really DO sit in my chest, gnawing away at me. What sacrifices do we all have to make to save our own planet? We got fuel from rocks, and that was easy. Henry Ford discovered how cheap and easy crude oil was, and it was like a dream. But the next step won't be a dream, and it won't be easy or cheap either. It will hard, and it'll be a sacrifice. To agree to the alternatives in fuel, and living, when we know that the alternatives will be more difficult. More expensive. Will take more committment and more work and more research. And no immediate results, perhaps... no instant gratification; and knowing that the simple way will always exist -- to ignore the problems, to pretend that everything will right itself and that all our dealings will work themselves out in time. But they don't, do they? And even if we sweep the things that bother us under the rug, even if we play blind and deaf and dumb, even if we pretend like we never noticed at all... its still there.

As exhausting as it is to constantly live in that reality -- a reality where we deal with the consequences of our actions, and hold ourselves accountable. A reality where the truth is that some truths are ugly and awful, and probably our fault... and that we have to look at it right in the face anyway.