it's everything.

Although I feel guilty for not having written a post either vaguely academic, politically based, or anything otherwise social/science/theory oriented in a while, I will forewarn -- this post, too, will be on none of those topics. I will, eventually, get back to writing less serious, (or more serious depending on how you look at it), and less personal posts.

However. It is the New Year. I said on my birthday that my New Year was beginning then. It did, in ways. But there's something about the entire world looking forward at the same time which makes today feel undeniably like another new beginning.

A long time ago, I visited the Western Wall in Jerusalem. I hadn't ever been a religious person, didn't really consider myself spiritual. But standing in front of this towering wall, stuffed with tiny scrolls of rolled up paper; every corner was being touched, and every crack and seam was overflowing with people's written prayers. The feeling of standing in front of that wall... was like dry heat. It just set waves up from the rock, from the pavement. You could feel this sway... every single person there believing so strongly in one thing. Everything was slow motion and I felt like I was swimming in holy air.
That was this feeling I have today, in another way. Everyone believes, truly truly and truly believes, that THIS day will be a fresh start. This day means something. Everyone puts their hopes on it, that this year will be better.

Every end of the month, or end of the year, I always say: This has been a hard year.

But its always a hard year. There will never be a year without some difficulty; I embrace this. I love living, but I love all of living, and if you truly love something, ya gotta love all of it. Life, death, birth, joy, pain... (apparently new years day also makes me Deep and Thematic).

OK, yes, this is cliche. So is dressing up in red and green for Christmas or handing out valentines, or celebrating anniversaries, or Falling In Love, or giving birthday gifts, or really thinking about any of this. But... what else is there? I mean, other than These Things... these weird trappings and celebrations we have and create... other than this, what do we have? How do we define our lives? Shakespeare was on-point -- it's all Sound and Fury. But what certainties do we have after tomorrow? Or after the big final sleep? I think the only things we have are what we create. So we create reasons for reasons, and seasons, and holidays, and arbitrary-time-thingys, like New Years. Or Resolutions. Because that's how we give our lives meaning. Markers, definition... it's all we have.

It's like looking in your fridge for whatever ingredients you have for dinner. Here's what you have. Dinner will come and go, and you can make it or not. That's up to you. But here's what you have. What can we do with these? Let's do the best we can with what we have.


I'm not good at sticking to resolutions. I have a resolution-rebound-rate of about three hours. Honestly. I made one this morning and I already broke it. Twice. Ha ha.

Never-the-less, there are some things I am working on. Maybe "working" is too much of an action verb; some things I am seriously contemplating and maybe verging on strongly-considering-action.
I am trying to spend more time Thinking. Not worrying and agonizing, stressing, or if-BritneySpeares-falls-in-the-forrest-does-it-make-a-sound kind of thinking. Thinking. I'm talking about legitimate knowledge.
I'm already thinking about things the majority of my waking hours, and also several of my sleeping hours already. But to be truthful, most of this thinking is fruitless.
I want to think to the point of learning. And think to the point of changing. And creating. And moving. And living. So I guess that would be: Thinking to the point of Living. Maybe at least feeling, at the end of each day, that I've thought about something and come to understand something about it, or resolved something, or come to a meaningful question, even.
Second is ... to stop thinking about other things. Permanently. Some of the worst and most fruitless thinking I embark upon is Wondering. I wonder what would have happened if Things Had Been Different. If I had said other things, stayed longer, done other things... this is not to say I regret. But I wonder if I had spent more time Thinking and less time Reacting, if I would still be wondering.
... See, right there, I just did it.
I think about what would happen if I could go back, and appreciate, or apologize, or maybe just leave way sooner. Do you ever think about what you would say to people now, if this You that you are now could go back and be the You that you were then? (I know, very metaphysical-stoner, this train of thought.) Or... do you wonder, at weird times, how things would be different if you could open your eyes in a moment? Sometimes I think people are non-committal to their own stories, their own lives. Like we're speaking but we're not really there. We're waking up, but somehow still in a coma. We're out there walking back to our cars, but we could really be anywhere non-specifically walking anywhere. I think back to moments like that and I kind of want to shake my shoulders and yell in my own face: "Commit!". And then, perhaps, there won't be so many of those moments where I look back and wish I said what I meant, did what I meant, or just really BEEN there... etc. There are fewer of these as time goes by, but still. No one can say they have none of them. Earlier this month I had a particularly grisly one. The thing is, we change so much... and then we waste time thinking about all the places where things went awry, for whatever reasons. Its not much help, that. Things are what they are, though I wonder how much more living I could do if I let go of the wondering.

I won't do a cheesy "But all in all this year has been great...", because that's not what this post is about. Of course there have been wonderful, beautiful, silly moments. In one year so much changes. We re-meet ourselves, in a way. There have been amazing discoveries and insane parties and dancing and skin-to-skin and love and rain and all the good shit. Also, there has been gut-wrenching awful pain, and the worst in people, and anxiety and stress. There will always be both. This post is just part of a life examined, a year examined, examining the examination... etc.

Where am I going with this?

Huh.
Well... I guess that's the question of the hour, isn't it.