.
Its New Year's Eve's Day, which obviously makes me feel as though i should be writing something profound and epic. Something universally understood, which would resonate with everyone and make each person sit back and revel at it's candid acuity.
But I really... I just don't know. I have no idea. I've got nothing, except hopes and wishes.
Although hopes and wishes are two very different things ... hopes are what you have when faith abides in your deepest soul. I wrote this earlier in the week:
"Faith vs. No Faith.
if i see no evidence of God, then i don't believe? i doubt, i am doubting, and w/ that comes fear that everything won't be alright.
There is a comfort in religion and God, a comfort which whispers to us that everything is taken care of
[everything is happening, you are where you're supposed to be]
that comfort tells us: we are cared for by something greater, there is some great hand resting on the small of our backs and pushing us onward.
without faith in that, we are so little, so lost.
standing alone is so impossible, such a struggle...
deep down, human beings are not independent creatures [truly, i believe this.]
we form communities, towns, families... we couple off, even our lives revolves around the search for the understanding and acknowledgment of others, the validation of our existence through someone else's existence.
when we say no man is an island, what we mean is that you cannot possibly survive on your own. [this is true even in the purest sense of survival].
in my mind, monogamy as the default is up for debate... if we are meant for just one other, i don't know. is that 'natural', maybe, but being alone certainly isn't. humans are dependent on each other.
and so, when we are alone on earth, our last vestige of hope is that even alone, down here, we aren't really alone...
and with that, comes the hope that God is looking out for us, and will look after us until someone(s) tangible is sent our way... "
that's hope.
wishes... wishes are what i think you are left with when you aren't sure. when you are not-so-confident that it's all coming in...
so i have hopes and wishes, warbling like a tightrope walker in a very thin thread.
so i just really don't know. this year is different from last year. next year will be even more so. but in terms of understanding, i'm a boat without a rudder, i'm a tightrope walker, i'm a wish-er and a partial hope-er, and all i have to give is what speaks to me, what hits me hard. so here is that.
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living."
-- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
happy 2009.
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